I am glad to be writing a blog again after giving myself permission to have a break, and prioritising self-care after a busy time.  Listening to our body and needs, is so important to help us de-stress and stay well. This blog will look more specifically at self-care after pregnancy loss, which requires even greater care than usual.  Everyone will be different in what they need, and of course there is nothing that will instantly make you feel better when you are grieving for your baby.  It is a process that takes time to heal emotionally and physically.  I will include some self-care tips that might help you feel more like you again.

Keeping busy

Reflecting now, I know I was like a human dynamo after my loss, trying to keep busy seeing pals and getting out and about, filling my time with positive distractions (mainly).  I went to a concert a few weeks after a late baby loss, but it didn’t feel right.  I was just not ready for the surge of joy and smiles when I felt so lonely.  I guess I tried many things to just feel good and not to be left with too much time to think.  I cleaned a lot, which perhaps was about trying to get some control.  In my rush to heal, I tried to do all the things I usually would, and this included visiting newly born babies or pregnant people.  I wish I had said no to some of them, as it often triggered me leaving me very sad, but I didn’t want to hurt people.  I was keen to get back to work after a month or so for normality and structure, and send out the message I was ok, but I think it was too soon.  Yes, I was feeling better physically, but my emotions were far from being healed.  This is a very personal choice, it’s what suits you.

Physical well-being

As advised by my GP, I continued to eat well, tried to sleep and rest, and exercise gently for my well-being.  These basic things can never be underestimated in taking care of us. This became important as my physical health deteriorated with bronchitis, throat and ear infections and colds. My therapist told me how common it was to have issues in the chest and throat when the heart is hurting after baby loss, and trauma is stuck. I was being forced to slow down whether I liked it or not.

Clubbercise was my go-to and became survival to help make me smile again.  You’ll have your activity that helps whether its swimming, the gym or even escaping into a book.  I also joined a choir to mark the first anniversary of losing my daughter.  Best decision ever!! I felt music brought me back, giving me something to focus on, and I was so grateful to that community of singers.

When I started to slow down, I allowed myself to think, feel and process, which was hard.  This led me to seek a counsellor.  I needed connection and support just like anyone else who had been through loss and trauma.  It gave me space to work through my grief, sadness and anger which was a huge relief.  For me, therapy was the ultimate self-care as there was no avoidance of what happened to me.  I eventually let the tears fall to disperse shame and not give the guilt any power, giving myself the compassion I deserved.

The following self-care tips may resonate with you, but don’t worry if some don’t fit as it’s what works for you.

Having plans and a structure (for some of the time at least)

Planning structure for the future and having something nice to look forward to can be helpful.  Can you go away for a few days?  Meet up with friends or go out for dinner? For some people, it might be about the next pregnancy, but make sure this is the right time for you and with medical advice.  Try and not put pressure on yourself, there is no rush.  Can you learn a new skill to keep you occupied which might keep you really present? ‘No plan’ days are useful to, so you don’t experience burnout.

Compassion to self

Finding connection with other stories of baby loss whether it’s online or people you know, can help with the feeling of loneliness, and also support you when talking is too much. Not everyone wants to write a blog or share on social media of course, but showing compassion to others in your writing, can help you to be kind to yourself too.  It might help acknowledge any self-blame you may be carrying.

Talking to friends and family if you feel you can, may help you acknowledge where you are at.  There is no pressure with this, take your time, it will come when you are ready.  It might be you don’t quite have the words to fit with how you feel yet.  Even if you can tell your friends, family and partner that you are not ok, and let them know what they could do to help.  It might be arranging to go for a walk or coffee to distract you and do something you love.  Is there a chore or task they could help you with to support you?

What are your needs?

Put aside any ‘should’s’, ‘needs’ and ‘musts’ and do what is right for you moving away from guilt.  Say no the play dates, baby showers or new baby visits if it feels too upsetting.  You can also block social media accounts showing pregnancy announcements or new babies to minimise things that make you feel worse. It doesn’t mean you are not happy for them, just taking care of you and setting boundaries for your self-care.

Reaching out for professional support

This doesn’t need to be done immediately after experiencing loss.  Give yourself time to see how you are feeling and coping.  It might be less lonely with a trained therapist.  A GP can also assess your needs if you are noticing very intense feelings, mood swings and physical symptoms that are unmanageable.  They may discuss medication with you which is ok if this might take care of you.

Hopefully this has given a starting point in some self-care options which of course is not all bubble baths and pampering (but that’s nice too). I still use these as my go to at times, depending on the time of year and triggers that might come up.  You’ll work out what’s best for you and your grief.  Please check out my daily self-care face book posts for Self-care September.  As always, please get in touch via www.kjcounselling.co.uk if you feel you are needing some support.

By Katrina Johnson

Image credit:  Roman Kraft