Mothers Day and Miscarriage

Mother’s day is approaching, and already I am wondering how happy it will be.  ‘Happy mother’s day’ doesn’t always fit.  This might surprise some, as I am privileged and grateful that I get to bring up two wonderful boys, but it can still be an aching reminder of loss, that I gave birth to three babies.

Mother’s day can be a hugely painful and triggering time for those experiencing infertility, fearing they won’t get to be a mum, and those who have had baby loss and miscarriages, who have children or not.  The title of ‘mum’ can be embraced and acknowledged on the day or other days, if you feel you are one, even with empty arms. For some women, this may not feel ok.

So far, Mother’s day for me has had different meanings.  Thankfully, my first was with a newborn, untouched by loss, full of love, cake and snuggles, never imagining it could be any different to that little bubble……It has also been a sad and agonizing reminder that my womb was empty, with no baby bump to pat, and the frustration at painting a bathroom instead of a new nursery for my daughter……It has also been me having angry tears that her name wasn’t on the card, which was a reflection of deep grief and sadness………It’s been feeling my family is incomplete, and wondering if I not meant to have any more children, questioning what was wrong with my body.  Even on the mother’s day when I was finally heavily pregnant, it was the constant worry about whether I would take this baby home.

And now…….I do get a degree of enjoyment, but can feel conflicted. I can connect with the boy’s excitement and laughter, as they prepare me breakfast in bed, and eagerly present their gifts, embracing the celebration. I also have a gnawing pain of guilt.  I feel guilt when I think of the daughter I lost, moving me away from the present with my boys, and guilt when I stop, as I am her mum too. I am uncomfortable when I wonder what it would be like if she was here, as momentarily, I am thinking of life without my son, as we only planned on two children.  I manage this by trying to honour both feelings, noticing and giving them space,  lighting a candle, and crying if I need, as well as allowing myself fun.

There is no magic phrase or solution to make it feel right on the day.  For me, I realise now it helps for my loss to be acknowledged and remembered, even although I have a lovely life with children to hold.  David Kessler in ‘Finding meaning: The Sixth stage of Grief’, says that grief requires witnessing, and stresses the importance of no one lessening it, or pointing out the silver living. Here are things that have I have learned over the years, which may support you on mother’s day.

• Discuss with loved ones what you need and how they can support you. It might guide them how to acknowledge your loss whether it’s with a card, text or gift. Don’t assume they will know what to do.
• Consider what you need for your self-care, whether it’s space and reflection, or a nice walk outside. Do you need a distraction with some things planned? Be careful not to overwhelm yourself with too much, as it may not feel ok on the day.
• Be present, notice what’s happening in your body. Allow your feelings to be.  Cry if you need to which can be hugely healing.  It’s ok to fall apart.  Allow yourself joy too if it’s there.
• Light a candle or maybe go to the special place where you think of your baby. Treat yourself with a gift, and show yourself the kindness you deserve.
• Consider who you would like to spend the day with. Are there people that really get it, that have had a loss, or a support group or chat room you can connect with?
• Have a day off social media if it’s too difficult with all the reminders of mother’s day posts and images. Unsubscribe to mother’s day emails.

I will sign off now, and I hope this is useful. Whatever you feel, today or on mother’s day is normal, and it’s your process.  Don’t be too hard on yourself. Whisper the words to you, the way you would to a friend.  I will if you will.  Take care of you…..till next time.