I knew the day my pregnancy stopped, where my hopes and dreams were crushed, and the beginning of a year like no other.  I wish I didn’t know my body so well, as it might have spared me from some of the early heartache, but I couldn’t ignore my gut feeling.  Many people don’t discover there is a problem with their baby until their 12 week scan. Both experiences feel devastating.

For me, I was in the car heading to the office, excited about lunch as my stomach gurgled…….That’s when the panic kicked in.  I hadn’t been hungry for days since I found out I was pregnant, just seediness like my last pregnancy. It was like the light’s went out, and I didn’t feel pregnant.  Of course, hunger is not a sign of miscarrying but for me it was as it was a dramatic change.

Then followed the frantic google symptom checking, and body scanning in the office toilet trying to confirm my suspicions. There was no bleeding, but this didn’t bring relief, as my chest was no longer sore or full.  My anxiety went unnoticed in the office, as the atmosphere had changed since the sad death of our dear colleague a few months before.  The space allowed me to gather myself, and prepare to tell my husband.

I honestly would have done anything to keep it quiet, so he didn’t have to hurt like me.  Through my tears, I tried to help him understand.  I so wanted to believe his positive thinking that all was well, but after a restless night, I knew I needed to phone the Early Pregnancy unit (EPU) which helps support women who are pregnant from 6-14 weeks.  I would urge anyone to not struggle alone if you are worried in your pregnancy.

I tried to seek comfort and hope from the midwife who felt no bleeding was positive. As they could hear my distress and sudden lack of pregnancy symptoms, they booked me in for a scan around 7 weeks.  I was given advice about miscarriage signs and infection, and told to contact the EPU if I was experiencing bleeding, cramping and chills/fever.  I have included a link to highlight more severe symptoms requiring you to phone 999 or going to A & E.

It felt like such a long wait until that first scan, constantly looking for miscarriage signs and feeling disbelief that this sad chapter was going to be part of my life. I tried not to watch the haunted faces in the hospital waiting room, as I knew this would be me when I found out.  In that moment, breathing is all I had and tried not to worry about how I would cope.  I also thought of the friends who had miscarried which pained me, as it’s only now I  truly got how very hard that was for them despite witnessing their pain.  I spoke so fast to the midwife, desperately seeking an answer and was so disappointed that she couldn’t tell me.

The scan was surreal, and I really believe humor got me through it.  The following scans will be discussed in my next blog, but no humor there.  As expected, the external ultrasound through my tummy, couldn’t pick up anything which isn’t unusual for that stage.  Instead a transvaginal ultrasound was given where a probe is inserted in to the vagina which can give a much clearer picture.  My first thought  when I seen the probe, was it looked my soup pulser.  I am by no means being insensitive, but I think I just needed to speak, laugh, connect and be present with something other than why I was there.

The scan showed a sac, and no heartbeat, but was told it might be too early. I guess it brought some relief that I hadn’t imagined being pregnant, but my heart quickened when the sonographer said baby was measuring 5 weeks and 6 days, which was the day my pregnancy symptoms stopped.  I should have been around 7 weeks so felt this was confirmation I had lost my baby, however this was not enough for the hospital who although heard my concerns, have protocols to follow, to ensure no diagnosis or procedure is given prematurely.   This really makes sense now, but at the time I was in disbelief that I was getting sent home without an answer, and would need another scan in about a week. The unknown and not being in control has always bothered me.  I was given all the appropriate advice by the lovely midwife and told to just wait and see what happens….and that I did.  I entered in to an endless waiting room of torment.

Part two will follow next month.  Please contact me if you would like to book an intro appointment to support you with a pregnancy loss or miscarriage at katrina@kjcounselling.co.uk or via the website on www.kjcounselling.co.uk

 

Resources