I was meant to publish this last month for men’s mental health month, but sure, men feel and have mental health every day, and is especially apparent after baby loss. Men hurt and grieve too, and it’s important they are not forgotten. Many assumptions are made about how men will feel and they may not be asked how they are, with the focus on their partner. Men’s experience may be different to mothers, but it’s no less valid, and can be an upsetting emotional load. They may not want to show emotion about their loss, and this is ok too. This blog will look at men’s experiences of miscarriage and ways to cope.
Men’s experience
Although they didn’t go through the physical process of miscarrying, their hopes and dreams may feel crushed. They didn’t get to sprint to the hospital labour ward, set up the pram and cot, play and watch them group up. They lost their baby too. Instead, they might be making phone calls sharing their bad news when it’s too tough for their partner, and be feeling helpless desperately trying to make her feel better. All of this and more, whilst trying to deal with their own grief, thoughts, and feelings.
I was reminded of the huge impact for men watching ‘This is us’, which was a tough watch during my ‘me time’. Toby and Kate experienced a miscarriage which was devastating for them both. I noticed how Kate distanced herself from Toby throwing herself in to work, which caused him such worry not knowing how to reach or fix her. It was so powerful when he frantically tried to stop the baby bath being delivered to prevent further pain to Kate. Of course, there is no fix for grieving, it’s a process that needs to be worked through. Toby often felt he said the wrong thing, and showed his fury when Kate implied that he couldn’t be feeling as sad as her. By talking, Toby acknowledged that he lost a baby too and felt silenced which helped their connection.
My experience of men and their loss
Thinking back to my loss, I cringe thinking about my anger towards my husband’s quiet ways, but I know this was my grief speaking too. I would have liked to have heard more about how he was feeling, and share the lonely burden together, but this is not how he rolls, and he was too worried about me. When he didn’t go there it made me question how much he cared. He eventually told me he had spent hours researching river and sea maps to find out what journey our daughter’s ashes would be on, hoping she would keep moving with an endless adventure which is so hard to write.
I know now he just had a different way of showing grief and love, and just as important as tears. He needed a practical distraction and something positive to focus on, which I wasn’t initially ready for. This distraction could be the mum’s way too. We are all different after all, and get our energies recharged in many ways. We did also get our bathroom re-done, which gave him head space and that’s ok….Well, I can say that now. We needed to experience our own ways, and recognise that our down days may look different. Never assume that you are going to feel the same. Here are some things to consider for men coping with grief:
Ways of managing
- Find a way to express your feelings. Not everyone talks or cries. Check in with how you are feeling, whether it’s with writing or walking. Reach out if you can, this is not just about your partner. If you are a friend or family member reading this, remember to ask men how they are and what they need.
- Notice and support your partner by carving out time to sit, allowing her to be heard, cry and just to be. Often women I support say they need reassurance, a hug, nice food and just even to sit in silence. Just being there is enough, no fixing required. Comfort rather than solutions may be helpful. It might make her feel less alone if you can share where you are at. Many couples attend therapy together if needed.
- Remember grief has no boundary. You will both have good and bad days, the grief will not disappear, but will become more manageable with your life growing around it eventually. Can you do something nice together where you can start to feel joy again? Go at your own pace. Try to push guilt aside about enjoying things again.
- Something to focus on which might distract you can be helpful. Can you plan something to remember your baby? Do you like DIY? Is running your thing? Find the balance with attending to you, and of course not ignoring your partner’s needs which can impact your relationship.
Hopefully, this has given some insight about how men may experience grief after baby loss, and challenge some of the assumptions you may hold. The recovery process can be slow and difficult whether you are a mum or dad. As a dad you are entitled to grieve. Please seek support on the helplines below, or contact me for Counselling at www.kjcounselling.co.uk I will speak again soon.
Miscarriage Association helpline 01924 200799 (Mon-Fri, 9-4pm)
Samaritans 116 123
Breathing Space 0800 83 85 87 (Mon-Thurs 6pm-2am and Fri 6pm-Mon 6am)
www.brothersinarmsscotland.co.uk