It’s an emotional week for many parents with their little ones starting school, with my youngest included in this.  I can hardly believe how fast the years are going by, and know I am feeling conflicted with a roller coaster of emotions which is ok.   I am accepting of saying goodbye to the stage he is at, but I am aware of sadness and nerves too.

I had a lump in my throat writing the names on my children’s uniforms, getting their shoes fitted and just preparing them for the next stage. I am also excited, proud and welcome the next part of their journey.  This has got me thinking about the loss that parents will experience over the years as their children grow up.

There are so many milestones and moments that can be emotional and mean the world to parents; First words, first steps, birthdays, bedtime stories, holidays, bath time, favourite TV programmes, nursery, Christmas and starting high school and Uni….The list is endless.

For me, the range of emotions experienced is the realisation for parents that their children can never be the baby, toddler, child they were, when making steps towards doing more for themselves.  Although milestones, and new beginnings are positive, it can be a reminder of what’s been and won’t be possible to happen again with that child.  It’s a gradual process of letting go and saying goodbye to all the stages which takes time to adjust to.   I know that I miss those baby years with the snuggles, baby classes and long pram walks, and it didn’t occur to me what it would be like when I lost that.

There might be things from each stage we miss, and I admit some things I won’t!  Looking back, I had times when I wished the day away to get some peace and stillness or imagine some child-free holiday in the future, but I’m human so won’t be too hard on myself with this. One day I know when I am on that ‘dream’ holiday, I will miss the holidays I have right now, and the little people they were, but embrace who they are at that moment in time.

I often hear the word ‘mourning’ coming up in the counselling room with clients feeling their kids are growing up too fast, as they struggle to accept the changes which we explore, and I really get the sense of loss.

It helps me to be mindful that part of a parent’s role is to support and nurture children to feel independent, confident and be equipped with the tools for adulthood.  We almost need to let go of the stage they are at to allow them to grow and not keep them stuck. It’s good to step back for them to ease into new responsibilities, and not pass on our own stuff.  Speaking with close friends and family who really get it, can help you get the compassion and understanding you need.

My intention moving forward, and what I work through with clients, is to try and feel all the feelings that come up with each milestone, and not be consumed by sadness.  Make room in your house for new pictures, and have a clear out of the toys and clothes they no longer use can help you stay in the present and make room for new memories. Welcome what’s being gained and allow yourself to feel pride and joy at who they are becoming.   Savour those precious moments and enjoy more of the things that you know you will miss in the future so there is no regret. Share your child’s excitement and congratulate yourself on doing a great job to get them to where they are.

Thankfully, I took my own advice whilst watching my children go into their new classes. I was beaming with pride, with a tear in my eye and let their teachers take care of them and become part of their story. I realise some of my sadness is the knowledge that I am very lucky to have these experiences in the first place after having pregnancy loss.  It’s a reminder that I would do anything to have these memories with the little ones that I didn’t get to take home.  Parenthood is a real privilege that not everyone gets to experience, so I am lucky I get to watch them making it and live their lives.  I can acknowledge my sadness without it taking away the joy of the day, and appreciate it all the more.

Hopefully, this has been helpful, and might invite your own reflections on how you manage loss and transitions throughout your child’s life.  Please contact me to discuss counselling if you are struggling or feeling overwhelmed, and it’s bringing up anxiety for you.  Take care and be kind to yourself with what you need.