Hello.  So,  I’m Katrina, and I am a counsellor at KJ Counselling, and a married mum of two young boys, although know in my heart I feel like the mum of three children. As I write my first blog, I have a mixture of feelings.  I am aprehensive about sharing my story of pregnancy loss, knowing that friends and family, will discover things for the first time. I struggled way more than they realised, possibly shielding them from worrying about me, and a bit of self preservation too.  I can still do this at times.   Looking back I can see the inner strength within me, and a deep trust and hope that I would be ok, and keep going, and I will share that process with you.  I feel their love and support right now, which might help the words flow.

I am also smiling, and my heart is singing, as I am proud that I have found the courage to say my truth, and know it’s time to share my story, which began just over 7 years ago.  There is still a part of me that’s in disbelief that it happened, as I had a healthy child, but of course that doesn’t protect you from it, or the hurt that accompanies it.  I am a little in awe of how I coped with such a difficult experience, despite being so frustrated that I was part of a club I didn’t want to be in.

My hope and intention of these blogs, is that it will make a difference to someone, in what can be a lonely journey, and highlight what they need to take care. This may benefit partners and family with their loss, as well as equipping them, in how to support someone going through it.  I always knew from my first miscarriage, that one day I wanted to share my story to benefit others.  At the time I used my personal experience to try and improve resources for women at the hospital, highlighting the need for increased empathy, respect and appropriate information from staff.  Not for everyone of course, and no idea where my energy came from, but it somehow empowered me and supported me with what I needed. We are all different, and all feelings and processes are valid.  Some would call this avoidance, but it comforted me to know another women’s experience of loss would not be made any worse, by what was not being offered from a hospital.  I didn’t know at the time, that this other woman I had in mind, would be me again.

My healing and growth, will be a focus of the blogs, talking through support from friends, family, chat forums, and professionals including therapy.  I am grateful they restored my trust that I would smile again, and feel more like me one day.   This version of ‘me’ was a little different of course, in tolerating that I had expererienced the loss of much loved babies, and the dream of a certain life.   Self love , self care and compassion, were key to prioritising me in my grief process, and admitedly not always applied. A game changer was when I started to really apply the empathy, acceptance and transparency that I offer to my counselling clients, who have experienced loss.    It’s a process right?? No right or wrong answers.

I don’t want any of my musings to come across as a quick fix ‘how to get over’ the loss of a baby, as it’s not expected that you will never feel sad again.  I am not sure I am over it even still.  Yes, I have more distance from it,but sadness still comes up particularly at certain key dates. It was only last month, that I was stopped in my tracks with memories and that familiar feeling of emptiness, when I was clearing my wardrobe out, and came across my daughter’s memory box with its cards, wristbands and her wee footprints. I know now that looking at her pictures doesn’t feel ok for me, which was a process in itself.  For some, looking at them is vital.

As a therapist I know that grief has no boundary, things will always come up for me.  It can be helpful to pause and notice our feelings, however uncomfortable they feel, and just say it how it is, showing up as we are.  Avoiding or trying to forget our feelings can minimise our experience, and intensify our reaciton and stuckness.  I often say to clients ‘feeling is healing’.  I wish I always allowed myself this.

All three of my pregnancy losses were very different, some early and one late, with each having a powerful impact, both physically and emotionally. I am sure that there will be something that will touch someone, and help them to connect with their story if they want to.

This has been a very brief snapshot of how it was and is for me, as not possible to include the whole story just now. Over the coming months I will take you to the small twisty roads of my grief, lonlieness and anger at having no control with my body or what happened. I will share learnings and insights, as well as a splash of my professional counselling thoughts and knowledge.  Hopefully you will like to be a part of that, if this is a familiar story.  Remember, that everyone will benefit from different things, and it’s about doing what works for you.  Please don’t feel a failure, if what worked for me, doesn’t or didn’t work for you.  You are enough, just as you are, and you’ll find the path you need.    Thanks for taking the time to read, and I hope you find my blogs helpful………..And so it begins…………